hey look im bronze status!! heh sorry..
im so confused.. i dont even know myself.. why am i even living? has anyone here, im sure several maybe, ever contemplated suicide? and i know many of us here are self injururs.. but yeah, those are daily things for me.. well maybe not self injury, but its not that i odnt always think about it. and its not that i use it for an excuse.. its just, how i feel , and i dont just cut myself to get rid of pain, i use art, painting, drawing and stuff.. but still, suicide , i feel that if i wasnt here, no one would give a shit, i can think of maybe 2 people who it would hurt if i was never here again. my best friend tje, and my best friend josh.. thats about it. my brother alex , who is nice to me sometimes, he was nice this morning, so i cant be mean to him.. but usually hes an asshole. and derek, my oldest brother, is always a jerk, to me, or my friends, just because he is the big burly older brother, and he needs to "protect his little sister" or whatever shit.. or just be cool infront of everyone.. hes so damn fake, i really think hes insecure, and afraid.. so he acts all cocky.. i hate it.. but im so upset at him rgiht now, because my friends funeral is today, and my friend kelly, who was supposed to take me, decided to get really drunk and high last night so sheis hung over, and doesnt have her car (in order for her to have her car, she would have to have gotten up and taken her mom to work.. but no, she didnt feel like it) and so.. my brother is like.. nope i have things to do, even though he is still in bed, and the funeral starts in 15 minutes.. jesus, and then my good friend julie got in a really bad car accident last night and i was really shaken and upset, and he was just all asshole and jackass and fucking jerk to me.. thanks bro, thanks alot.. does he even realize i would RATHER be dead than around him? he is one of my MAIN reasons for wanting to die, he makes me feel like SHIT and then some.. SHIT, yes its a great feeling isnt it? oh my parents help too.. gotta love the family. oh well
drugs.. getting high is my favorite thing to do these days, i used to run all the time, i still do, but since i fucked up my ankle and had to have two screws put in.. all my dreams for running were just crushed, and then problems just piled up, so , my last resort.. i tried pot, i had done it occasionally, but i love it now.. thanks |
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