alright, yeah i just actually read my other article.. umm i didnt make much sense.. sorry! anyways, yes i do think about suicide, but never have tried, im too much of a pussy to try, but the thoughts linger in my mind.. i dont think i could ever do it though. wont be trying soon though, thanks for all the reply's.. at least i know someone or some people do care enough to PM me. Thank you! but... my drum roll please......
dun du du duuuunnnnnnnnn...... im really bored, and i just felt like speaking my mind, so here goes...
*first, i know people on this site are frequent cutters, and i am too, not frequent though.. just sometimes things get really .. uh tough, and i get so mad at myself i feel like.. i should hurt myself, and yes i feel like a bazaar baboon or fucking animal sometimes afterwards, i mean, i am intentionally hurting myself.. and leaving marks! thats not right, i know that.. but i guess it just makes me feel better for the time being, and to tell you the truth, it doesnt hurt.. my body goes numb when i cut.. the world is silent and i can literally hear my skin being sliced open.. kinda sounds sick, but i realized this last night when i cut myself for the first time ina while.. i could hear it.. weird, gross and sorry to say. im ashamed of it, but im not in a way either, to tell you the truth, im not a fucking psycho or anything, but cutting is a sort of satisfaction.. and when your in that state of mind, i dont know.. it feels.. good i guess. it doesnt hurt me i guess, and i do it well enough that nobody would ever really notice either, although sometimes a good friend has said something and i said it was just my neighbors cat, who i do watch when they are gone.. so.. its okay. but dont worry about it.. i dont do it so much that i scar myself all over, i just do it when i feel so fucking horrible aboutmyself that i feel i should be.. i dont know, nevermind. thats one thought in my mind i have finally figured out.
*secondly... Im quitting pot for the time being, i know i will do it occasionally, and im not that big of a smoker really.. well i was for about 3 months,,.. i wasnt big before, and then this summer.. woah was i hit with a big time pot smoking habit. buti have cross country, all though it hasnt effected me yet, im sure it will catch up to me, so i just kinda decided to stop for a while. which can be good and bad. just htought i would share.
*Third-- (im figuring myself out at the moment, ive been really confused lately, bear wiht me, sorry if you dont care, its kinda a journal right now for me.. hehe umm youcan close this now, i just feel like typing nowwwww...)
my friend josh... uh hes like my bestest guy friend in the whole world, and we are a little more than friends, but.. i odnt want too much more, hes a bit more... umm should i say, expirienced than me.. and i just dont care for the um, experience at the moment, but i am in love with the guy, and hes the sweetest thing ever, what any girl could want, im serious, and he promises me he will treat me good, and i know he would, but im just not.. a girlfriend type person. i am a flirt, but i dont really flirt anymore now that im "with josh" hes all i ever .. think about, talk aobut haha geez, im a loser, but he is tghe greatest guy ever, just os you all know, and no im not gonna lose my virginity (yes im a virgin,)to him, ive got morals that i plan on keeping.. anyways, umm i forgot where i was going with this, hmm oh well. i will jstu keep typing cuz i feel like it.
*Lastly i guess, I am afraid , very.. i dont like myself, but Josh, makes me feel so great about myself.. i actually am a typical girl i guess, maybe not typical maybe a little extreme.. i hate my body, seriously, i hate it, and he just.. i dont know, relaxes me.. who needs drugs when ive got him.. :) haha okay im done, im sorry for wasting your time... i knwo this wasnt very interesting, i just feel kinda, ummm i dont know, i jujust felt like writing, i guess i could have written this in my journal thingy stuff, but i felt like not writing by hand..... anyways bye
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