I don’t know why, but suddenly, boys seem to get...interested with me. I’ve always been the “buddy” type. Never had a boyfriend but I got lots of boy friends. It sucked, but I guess I got used to it. I’ve had crushes but that was all. Back in high school, I may seem so cool and confident to a lot of people but inside, I feel like such a loser. And everybody knows I hate losers. Therefore, I hated myself.
But then I’ve grown to love myself. Of course, not immediately. I just learned to ignore the negative aspects of my life or simply just learn to live with it. Then focused on the positive parts without losing my grip—meaning, letting my head swell.
But I know I’m still ugly. I’m fat, short and dark. In some cultures, having dark skin may be cool, but not in this society. I live in a country with a terminal colonial mentality that exults anything that is western. So in this society, having fair skin is almost synonymous to being beautiful.
Now, being ugly doesn’t seem to bug me much anymore. I know I am but it’s no reason to commit suicide—literally or psychologically. I just learned to live with it that I came to the point that I can’t even imagine myself beautiful. Like, if I, by some miracle, turned into a Reese Witherspoon dead ringer, I won’t be able to deal with it—because it’s not me anymore. All in all, I’ve learned to accept and love myself that I wouldn’t trade this body—me—to anyone else.
At the same time I’ve had this lobotomy I started taking care of myself. I started freaking out over pimples, oily skin and fat. I also started to get spiritual. I learned to thank God I don’t get pimples as much as some people—just the occasional zit, some whiteheads and little blackheads, which made treatment easy. Just one night with smelly benzoyl peroxide and the next morning, my face is all clear and ready for some blusher and powder. I also learned to thank God I’m not hairy. No need to shave/bleach/wax/or whatever it is they do with unwanted hair. Of course, I’m still normal and still got hair on the “usual” parts of the body but I get rid of it also in the “usual” way and at the normal frequency. I also learned to love the outdoors. I like walking, occasional jogging and running, and I just love climbing! First I’ve done is on P.E. class, we have to do wall climbing. I got the normal jitters—excited and scared at the same time. But the moment I stepped into those little stone thingies, I knew this is it! This is my sport! Well, aside from swimming, of course, which is really my first love. But then I don’t get to swim much—only during summers and family outings.
So one summer, I got invited to a camp. This one’s a real camp with hiking and camping out on tents and stuff. It’s real tough but I loved it. We climbed, crossed and swam falls and I’ve never felt so alive. After that, I wanna do it again...and so I did, with friends, of course. Then it’s become a real sport and hobby for me.
I started to forget about myself—my (rather, physiological) issues, that is. I don’t care anymore if I’m ugly as long as I keep myself in best shape and enjoying life.
Then I don’t know what happened but one by one, my so-called buddies—boy friends—started looking at me in a different way. They’re actually treating me like a girl! It’s like they finally came to their senses and realized I’m a girl, too. I don’t know if I should rejoice or get annoyed. I am both at this moment.
None of them (except for one) actually expressed overt interest but there’s this weird vibe. I don’t know if it’s just my imagination—probably that’s just it. But when an old high school crush suddenly just tells you he loves you a couple of weeks after meeting him again after almost three years of not seeing each other, you have to start figuring out what’s wrong with this picture, right? I mean, I’m supposed to be ugly. The kind people like because I’m nice or cool or funny.
And so I started looking at the mirror and I did see it. Hey, it’s still ol’ ugly me...only quite beautiful—in a me sort of way. My hair is still wavy but it’s not icky and unmanageable anymore. I kind of liked the way it falls on my back and shoulders how the curl on the ends frames my face. I’m still a bit dark but I also noticed that my skin’s glowing—like a fresh tan. I’ve been wearing contact lenses since my last year in high school and I’m so used to wearing it that I don’t even know how to wear glasses anymore. And after all those hiking and swimming I’ve done, I’ve come to build some muscles and managed to tone down a bit. I don’t eat that much junk food anymore because I’ve come to love veggies!
So maybe the mirror’s just telling me what I should’ve known all along, that I’m a beautiful. I was and am beautiful. I am what I think I am. And the only reason that I was ugly is that I think I was. Now, I have to start thinking beautiful—because that’s what I am.
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