I don't remember my life growing up. I have glimpses of memories but that's all. I'm a senior in high school, and already my sophomore year is fuzzy. the way I deal with my life is to block everything out, block out the hurt.
I started having flashbacks this last october, things that happened when i was little. first I remembered things my brothers and I did that were fun, but turned out badly. Sledding..turning into an accident where my brothe slid under a car. Fighting with my brothers, all the nasty things they said to me and called me. Sharing a room with the youngest of my three brothers, and the "fashion" shows we'd put on for each other. Then I remembered parts of what my dad did to me. French kissing was as far as i could go. my mind wouldn't let me continue, I could get as far as seeing him walk into my room, the place where it took place.
At first, i didn't understand why I became so depressed in 8th grade. I started hating life. My parents both had disliked me. All my brothers hated me and told me so. i was the scapegoat for my family's problems. I can't remember one day where I didn't get in trouble for one thing or another. My mom blamed me for everything. If she was mad at my dad or brother, usually she would take it out on me, then she'd be mad at me and they would never know she had been upset with them. She told me she regretted me and that I caused her pain and wasted her time and money. My dad never was around, never stood up for me or said anything nice. He was always drinking or smoking.
I discovered cutting my freshman year of high school. also writing poetry. Cutting was something different, I could use it when i was angry at myself b/c I muse have done something wrong to make my mom so mad. Cutting helped me go numb or forget about the bad. i could cut when I was sad or when there was just too much pressure inside. I thought if I bled, i could bleed out the bad in me. I became addicted, I couldn't go long without it (my best is three months)
The rest of the time is a blur, until the end of my sophomore year when my eating disorder developed. I got comments from my mom and my brother that i was "bulking" up. I had always been small, and i started running cross country my freshman year, so the weight i built was healthy and muscle mass. I was finally on the weight charts at my drs. office. when my ed came on i was 5'3" and 115lbs, normal right? not what i saw. i became bulimic and anorexic the cross country season of my junior year. it was miserable, but another way of control. i no longer had control of my cutting, and i NEEDED some part of control in my life. i couldn't control my family, and i kept my friends distant (didn't have that many to begin with). after the season ended, i was anorexic for a while before falling back into heavy bulimia.
i tried overdosing and became really sick. i was in an "unconscious" sleep for a while then tried going to school. i was sheet-white, and shaky. the room was spinning, i threw up. went home passed out for 5 hours and threw up a couple more times. i've been to scared to try that again.
now i'm on anti-depressants and going to counseling. i told my parents i was depressed, my mom asked if i had been throwing up dinner in february 2004. i lied and said just dinner since august 2003. my ed is still strong. my mom still yells, and says there is no reason for me to be depressed, that i'm making it all up, and i can't go away to college this year b/c she doesn't trust me to leave.
i still cut. i still throw up (though carefully). i still skip meals. all of these are forms of self-injury, slow-death. i know, but now my ed is so far out of control that i can't stop it. i lose time a lot too, and when things build up..i can "space out" as i call it (disappear from reality). i'm not sure what goes on, but i'm just not conscious of anything and lose time.
i'm scared. i live every day in fear. I've lost most of my friends. they weren't really friends, but it still hurts to feel so alone. somehow i keep going through the days though. i know there is something better for me in store. i know i wouldn't have been placed on earth to suffer without purpose. one day, i hope to be free of all these tormenting thoughts and have overcome si and my ed. I want to be an adolescent pyschologist b/c i can relate. that is my thing with counselors, you can be book smart, but you don't really understand unless you've been in that position yourself.
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