Thread Topic: I'm a bit confused about life...
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LifeIsBoring
Joined: Aug 20, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-20 22:45:59 |
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I'm pretty convinced now that I have AvPD. Before a couple days ago, I'd be constantly wondering why I'm so different from everyone else. I decided to search for some of my symptoms, not really expecting to find anything, and found the wikipedia article for AvPD. I read the symptoms and diagnostic criteria for it, and I was absolutely amazed at how well it fit me. I also read a few topics on here. Qasar's is the one that seemed to relate the most to me, though most were very similar. You all seem like an intelligent bunch, so I thought I might ask for some assistance in figuring myself out. Below is my description and evidence of my problems. Skip it and go directly to the last paragraph, in which I will state the questions that I need help with, if you want. I'm currently 17 years old, and I've had very few friends in my life, never exceeding two or three at any given point in time. Looking back on them, I realize I've never felt close to any of them. I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm starting to question my sexuality. Probably not in the way you think, though. I'm 100% sure I'm not gay, but I'm really starting to become convinced that I'm bisexual. It's all very blurry. But ANYWAY, I find myself to be an extremely typical case of AvPD. I'm anxious in any social situation, be it large or only one other person. I even find it incredibly fatiguing, because I feel like just being near someone else means that I have a huge obligation to be normal and entertain them, but I haven't the slightest idea how. I'm constantly saying the stupidest things that I severely regret later (probably waaay too much), which causes me to avoid talking to people at all costs. Any friends, if you can call them that, that I've ever had really just came to me. The only time I'm not ridiculously anxious around someone is if I feel like I know the person very well, and I feel that they don't expect a lot out of me. Which is very rare. I'm very frequently depressed, I think about life philosophically all the time, and I think about suicide a lot. I'm not suicidal, though. I just think about the consequences of doing it. I find myself to have extremely low self esteem and sense of self worth. I never want to be around people because I feel like I'm wasting their time, and they're only pretending to want to talk to me because they feel sorry for me or something. It makes me incredibly guilty when I think these thoughts, which I think about every time someone talks to me, and it causes me to try to get out of the conversation as fast as possible. People have told me that I'm smart and that they like me as a friend, but I have an extremely hard time believing any of it. I say things half jokingly like "Don't lie to me about such things", I argue with them, insisting that what they say isn't true and that I'm a terrible and talentless person, and I ask them precisely what led them to believe it. It pisses a lot of people off, and I hate myself for it, but I keep doing it. I really want people to praise me because I feel like if I get enough of it, maybe I'll start believing them, but I never do. I constantly think about how revolting and hideous my body and face are, and I always wear jeans and shirts that are just a little too big, so none of the details of my body shape can be seen through them. I'm a little pudgy, but apparently in the healthy weight range according to a test we took at school where we stand on a machine that measures the exact fat content of your body. I got 17%, the normal for boys my age being 12-20% if I recall correctly. I still find it hard to believe that I'm a healthy weight despite any evidence that says otherwise. I take criticism well, which is odd, seeing as taking criticism way too personally is apparently a common aspect of AvPD. I think it's because I never try my best at anything, so the product of my work never accurately reflects my ability. I lack the motivation to do well in school because I find the amount of work it would take to get good grades not worth it. I also lack the motivation to do anything that I'm not accustomed to. I get out of the house to do things just about every day, but it took me a long time to get into the habit of doing so. I used to be a lot fatter and a lot more of a couch potato. I've been trying a little lately to change my life, (not as much as I should) as I desperately want to be normal and get the negative thoughts and extremely low self esteem and expectations to stop, for I fear of never being able to function in society with a job and friends, and I fear I'll never be able to find a significant other. I often try to convince myself that I'm not lonely, and I don't need to be like everyone else to be happy, but I know deep down that that's just a delusion. I'm not sociopathic enough to be happy alone. I've been trying to make friends recently, and, though all my symptoms and sadness remain, I feel like I'm learning more about myself in observing my interactions with others. These "friends" are merely on the internet. They're all intelligent and a bit odd, which I like. I can't stand stupid, mainstream people. Maybe my standards aren't realistic? As I said, I've been trying to make friends and I evaluate my social interactions and mistakes. Last night, I was talking to one of my internet "friends", and I was asking him some questions about friendship. I was asking how well he needs to know someone before he wants to be their friend, and what it is exactly to "know someone well", as well as other things, and it confused me greatly. He thinks he knows me well, yet I don't believe I know him well at all. He considers me a friend, yet I consider him more of an acquaintance that I kind of like. He's a nice guy, but it's hard to squeeze conversation out of him, and he doesn't talk about himself. I've always believed I need to know someone deeply, understand their way of thinking and all of their opinions and beliefs, for me to be able to say that I "know them well". I think a friend needs to care relatively well about your life and wellbeing, and should be one who would care if you died or left, never to be seen again. He claims that he would care if he died, but I'm skeptical. Why should he? He could just as well have a couple laughs with someone on the street for a couple minutes, and he'd know that man as well as he knows me. It sounds awful, but if he died, it would be a shame, but people die all the damned time, under much worse conditions! It's a terrible world! ANYWAY! QUESTIONS! I guess all I'm saying is, if what my friend says is true, I have a much harder time trusting and caring about peoples' well-being than everyone else. Knowing nothing about social relationships and friends and whatnot, I want to know, people of the forum, when is it appropriate to consider someone a friend? Do I have a problem with trusting and connecting deeply with people, or have I just never gotten to know anyone well enough? I'm starting to think that last one might be impossible for someone else to answer for me. If that's so, please just tell me then, what is a normal amount of concern to have for someone who is a just a common friend? Or is this all subjective, differing with every single person? I'm so clueless. I'm bad at putting my thoughts into writing, as you can probably tell... if you need any more information from me, please ask! I really need a well-informed answer. And thank you very much! Any answers and examples about your own life and standards for friends and whatnot will be greatly appreciated. And I hope this explanation isn't completely incomprehensible to you guys, because I have a very hard time explaining things in a way that makes sense to others. |
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Unanswered Thread: my test results posted by lightweaver 8 hours ago |
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LifeIsBoring
Joined: Aug 20, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-20 22:52:21 |
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Not incredibly important, but it's bothering me that I forgot to add: I'm extremely easily discouraged in activities, and I feel like I have no interests. I've tried drawing, guitar, electronics, blah blah blah but my sparks of interest in subjects that arise occasionally are merely fleeting. I lose the desire to improve my skills. I believe that's everything now. I tend to over-explain in case you haven't noticed. |
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beard
Joined: Aug 22, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-22 20:06:07 |
| I think it's pretty certain that you have AvPD. I think friends are people you have things in common with. You have more than likely not had that much in common with anyone. Plus the AvPD makes it harder even if you do find commonality, as we spend the majority of our time over-analyzing and obsessing over EVERYTHING and everyone. It gets very tiring. We're too tired to care maybe? | |
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TimArends
Joined: Aug 19, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-28 11:14:26 |
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Hi, I think you write pretty clearly, however, I think you try to cover too many issues in one post. You seem to have self-esteem issues. I normally don't like the term "self esteem," because I think it is horribly overused, but in this case it does ring true. It is the worst thing in the world, when somebody gives you a compliment, to reject it and say they're wrong. I'm surprised anybody gives you compliments at all anymore! As far as friends, there is no strict definition of a friend. Some people define of friend as somebody who seeks him out, really enjoy spending time with them, wants to go places with them, et cetera. Others consider just the people they associate with at work to be friends, even if they never go with them anywhere or do anything with them outside of work, or even eat lunch together while at work! So there is no strict definition of friend. ________________ Tim Arends is the maintainer of the Internet Shyness FAQ, online for over 10 years: [no urls] |
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Caticia
Joined: Aug 31, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-31 13:09:41 |
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Wow, I feel like this entire summary of your issues is exactly how I would describe how I would feel except I think you did a really great job and there's no way I could have done as well but maybe that's just the AvPD talking. I mean everything you said is like what's going on in my life... internet friends, philisophical thinking, depression, and lack of sadness while thinking about someone dying(though usually I cry but not because I'm sad about them dying but because I'm sad that I'm not sad and I think there is something wrong with me; how could I be so numb?). I have a question though... Do you sometimes feel like even when you find someone attractive you can't imagine touching intimately? I mean I feel like sometimes "in my mind I'm living my life" but not actually doing it physically. I imagine myself at 20 something walking to my job in a city with a latte in my hand or I imagine myself going on a date and I imagine myself being good with people and being a smart funny person but I feel like I'm not like that at all and I'll never be able to really get there. Sometimes maybe I focus to much on this dream life that I miss out on the "now" and I won't be able to achieve that life if I don't start doing something "really". btw, I'm 16. I don't why I suddenly feel like that's important but whatever. Also sorry for all the weird punctuation, I feel like I need to exaggerate some words and make lists while talking sometimes to make it easier for people. I also want to mention that sometimes I feel like when I try to grasp thoughts it feels like something actually, physically in my brain is keeping me from it and this can go on for hours... just me "trying" to think. |
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Unanswered Thread: Nothing wrong with paranoia. posted by IntroduckToni 2 days ago |
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