Thread Topic: help with my wife
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aquiace
Joined: Jun 5, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-05 20:40:42 |
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I need help! My wife and I are fairly happy for the most part, but we have a dark side to our relationship that I can't talk to anyone about. She often scolds me if I try to talk to anyone I know, saying I am "giving bad words about her to people". She is a Filipina (35) and I am a Canadian (28). She's very beautiful and many times is very loving and caring... but when something upsets her, she changes into someone completely different. She goes on tirades and has even thrown things and broken stuff in our house in her anger. Then she starts to drink (very heavily and always gets drunk) and that makes her more vicious. Nothing I say can pacify her until she passes out. She often perceives things I do as intentionally hurting her, when most of my words and actions are benign. She often (very often) accuses me of things like cheating when I am extremely loyal. Even after the fight, she never apologizes for her words or actions and feels them completely justified. She refuses to think anything is wrong with her and keeps saying it's my fault she acts this way. I love her tremendously, but these bouts are hurting met deeply. When I try to talk about it, she says I am bringing up old fights. She used to be very wealthy and would spend money recklessly, not caring about how much she spent. However, she isn't afraid of social situations and often makes many, many friends. She's very sweet and charming as well as beautiful, so many men try to court her. She always says not to get jealous, but she herself gets extremely jealous if I talk to any woman. She cannot accept criticism and often says something along the lines of "if you don't like it, then go" if I express frustration. If I correct her she says I am "making her so stupid" (her way of saying I am talking to her like she is an idiot). It's like she's addicted to fighting when all I want is harmony. But then we go back like nothing happened, except I still carry the hurtful words she said in my heart with no way to express them without her challenging me to another fight. I suspect she is somewhere between Paranoid Personaliy Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder but I know she will not only refuse to get diagnosed, but will not admit to having anything wrong with her. I love her and want things to improve, but how can I get through to her that this isn't normal? I don't want to leave her, but I don't want to continue as if nothing is wrong. Any advice helps! (Btw, we live in Japan and fairly poor now). |
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Unanswered Thread: paranoid hypochondriac posted by cncathy 6 minutes ago |
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weeza29745
Joined: May 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-07 16:55:51 |
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I'm so sorry... You may want to take a look at the other thread, about the disorder itself... Someone had a case similar to yours. There are a lot of helpful people there. Take care. I wish you the best with your wife. |
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lillady82
Joined: Jun 8, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-08 17:32:12 |
| hello there | |
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ticklemybeard
Joined: Jun 9, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-09 06:59:48 |
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Very difficult situation. I suffer from borderline personality disorder myself (treated- thank god) and from what you describe it sounds as though your wife may have something similar, although paranoid doesn't sound like a bad guess either- does she mistrust everyone in her life or just you? Anyway having dealt with a similar situation, albeit with a girlfriend not a wife, given hindsight what I would say is this. More than likely her 'episodes' stem from her own insecurities so be very careful not to add to them by pointing out any irrationality, accusing her of over-reacting or the biggest mistake you can make - calling her 'crazy'. Just try to identify situations where she could or has been provoked to react. And reinforce in those situations how much she means to you and to everyone around her. Don't ever try to make her apologise, as difficult as that seems, and never engage in a derogatory exchange. If you feel like insults might start flying, take a deep breath and go make a cup of tea. When you return change the subject. A more permanent solution- you must MUST see a relationship counsellor. I'm not sure what the public health system's like in Japan so hopefully if you can't afford to see one you'll be able to get a referral from a GP that will be government subsidised. It sounds horrible but catch her off guard. When everything is fine, you are both very happy and relaxed, very calmly suggest you see someone about getting the most out of eachother. Make it seem fun, relaxed and most importantly that you are not accusing her of being sick; this is YOUR problem. Hope this helps. Sorry if it doesn't. All my advice seems rather feeble.. Good luck! |
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disorderguy
Joined: May 5, '09
Status: Admin |
2009-06-09 13:05:05 |
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I came across this book on the subject: I am not sick I don't need help 
Might be of help. |
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One_maple
Joined: Jun 17, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-17 21:00:30 |
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Clearly, there is a problem. It's always tough to hear stories like this. I know how you feel. First and formost you must accept that you cannot make people change. That includes trying to force someone to get help. If you try and press the issue you will become the enemy. You must ask yourself: How long can you put up with this? It is one thing to be in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder, who accepts it and is willing to help themselves and another to someone who refuses to beleive they have a problem. I'm not encouraging to leave. I just want to you to use caution when making your decisions. |
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climbingblind
Joined: Jun 25, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-25 08:39:55 |
| Your wife sounds like a BPD sufferer, and as someone who loves her, you will get the brunt of her misery, fear and anguish. | |
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climbingblind
Joined: Jun 25, '09
Status: New User |
2009-06-25 08:51:15 |
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Sorry Aqulace, I meant to write more. Those of us who love people with BPD are in a hard place. Most of us have never seen behavior before like what we are experiencing with our loved one. And, one of the features of the disorder which is so disquieting is the way the Borderline person transfers his/her feelings onto us, and recreates the truth based on their own reality; a reality we don't share. The best thing for your relationship and your spirit is to try not to take the blame onto yourself or recreate yourself based on what your wife is saying. The book "Walking on Eggshells" has been an amazing resource for our family. It allows us to recognize triggers, and set limits that we can all live with. But, with BPD in the picture, each day can be heartbreaking or heartwarming. Keep strong. Best of luck, and God bless! |
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inmichigan
Joined: Jul 26, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-26 08:07:57 |
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My husband does the same things but not to the same extremes because he doesn't believe in alcohol. He is easily bored, and sometimes he says mean things just to get me angry. He's asked me before, "Don't you ever just like to be mean?" And I say, "No, I don't like to hurt people." Sometimes putting things into perspective like this helps a little. But we are still in the thick of it. I cannot afford too many books right now, and he's tracking my purchases. He might even track this post, but frankly I'm too fed up to care. The jealousy thing is a projection. She's tempted to cheat. Women who are moderately to very attractive do have the problem of men trying to lure them away from their mates. It's just a condition of our society, and something men have to deal with. I can affirm that no amount of assurance that you love them makes a difference. It's like your pouring your love into a bucket with a hole in it. All you can do is keep repeating it and hope a little sticks to the sides of the bucket. It's funny, but an unrelated set of books is helping me out. "Soft Addictions" and the "One Decision". I'm starting to see how I get relationship addicted to one person and lose sight of myself. While he's addicted to chaos, I'm addicted to him, and with him comes chaos. By working on myself, it's causing me to change my boundaries and set higher standards for how he treats me. He is resisting; fighting and twisting. But ultimately he knows he'll have to accept the higher boundaries -- or ask me to leave. And he knows I'm comfortable enough with the idea of leaving him at this point to actually do it. If she doesn't acknowledge she needs to change, then she doesn't want to you. And you are stuck. You either have to get strong enough to leave -- stop being her whipping boy -- or stay, understandinng your fate. |
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andycapp76
Joined: Jul 26, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-26 16:14:57 |
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Hi, My wife has been diagnosed as having BPD. We are in the early phases and no treatment has started yet. My wife has taken the diagnosis very hard, but I am confident in what the Dr's are doing and have got hopes for the DBT treatment. I however am feeling hopeless as my wife doesn't appear to be helping herself and is being quite self distructive. |
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andycapp76
Joined: Jul 26, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-26 16:39:04 |
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I have started to read the book walking on egg shells a week or so ago. My wife got this out at the library for me. Have shown her a few points from it (caution to myself not to do that again). She started an emotional affair with her best friends husband that turned physical one night a month ago. I knew about this for the 5 months it continued and she even was open to me about some of it. She sees this as not important and feels I should trust her completely and just get over it. She has still been contacting this man and he has even been visiting while I am out. She now says she has put an end to this. |
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Unanswered Thread: No Subject posted by alwaysknew 1 day ago |
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