Thread Topic: Am I borderline?
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fallenangel
Joined: Jul 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-03 06:35:05 |
| I've been reading up a lot about borderline disorder.I've been experiencing what I think may be anxiety attacks.Am so confused, haven't gotten medical help yet or gotten diagnosed though I feel my symptoms fit BPD.I move between hating my boyfriend and being insanely in love with him.I have had these fits of rage recently, I cut myself and I felt pleasure.I sometimes threaten to kill myself. I've taken a bunch of pills a couple of times. People think I'm happy but inside I feel dead. I cry a lot and I blame my parents for not making me better and supporting me instead of never taking me seriously and not being attentive to my needs. | |
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Unanswered Thread: Cyclothymia posted by Darkman33 10 minutes ago |
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henrietta
Joined: Jun 13, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-03 17:05:15 |
| How often do your moods shift? Typically a person with a borderline personality switch moods daily, about every couple hours or so. Another symptom is lack of identity, are you usually like the person your with and have no clear view of yourself? | |
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fallenangel
Joined: Jul 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-04 08:54:32 |
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Mostly I'm just really reserved around most people and sort of unhappy and irritable but then it turns to rage especially when things dont turn out the way I want them to. Mostly its directed towards my boyfriend but sometimes my parents but I can usually bottle up my anger and resentment towards them but it usually backfires.I try to be happy in front of others. Mentally I have this image of my identity but I do tend to behave in conjuction with the person Im interacting with so I dont offend them or so that we seem more alike. It makes me feel more brave that way. Im just really having a hard time figuring out whats wrong with me. And I feel as if nobody is close enough to me to confide in. The cutting only happened a few times but not deep and the pills, I've done it a few times just to kinda feel numb and go to sleep and forget. But I do think its to get my boyfriends attention(hasnt worked). Dont think he realizes how serious this is. I want to get help. It may just be some form of depression. PLZ ANYBODY.....I need some support. I do believe people that are going through what I am can relate to me better. And at the moment I feel like Im going crazy. |
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Dreamhearts
Joined: Jul 4, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-09 12:25:58 |
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A lot of people feel like they are going crazy and don't know what to do. You are not alone in this world, and although it's hard to believe it's true. I know I have to keep telling myself that. Everyday I have to assure myself that I'm not the only one. I have no idea on earth who I am or who I want to be. I look at myself in the mirrior and hate the person staring back at me. It makes me sick to my stomach and I cry because I feel like it's just me. No one could ever understand what it feels like to be me. You want to hate everyone around you. It has to be caused by something right? Parents not treating you well enough, boyfriend not supporting you enough or not understand when you sit there and spill your heart out. It's so frustrating and it makes me want to slam my head into the wall. I just want to tell you, if this helps at all, you are not the only one out there in pain. It helps to find someone who actually and truly understands this stuff. That way it won't eat away at our insides until there is nothing left. But you are not alone. |
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fallenangel
Joined: Jul 3, '09
Status: New User |
2009-07-09 13:39:55 |
| Its only now yhat I feel Im not alone. From finding this site and hearing other similar stories I realize many people are experiencing the same things Im going through. Sometimes Im so thankful that I figured out Im not like my family. Its almost like an acknowledgement that somehow Im more 'normal' than they are even with all the anxiety. Because in realizing there is a better way to be, and not be screwed up like them and blind to it- Im winning my battles. However the resentment is what really eats me. That constant voice in my head that wishes me to vanish when they do something that makes me cringe. Its constantly telling me what a failure I am. Or how much better I can be. And then it says...But whats the point of trying to be amazing? Nobody gives you a "well done" whenever you achieved anything...and then by some miracle a little piece of me says that THEY DONT HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER WHO I CAN BE AT THIS VERY MOMENT-I COULD BE WONDERFUL!!! | |
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LadyStardust
Joined: Aug 20, '09
Status: New User |
2009-08-23 15:18:58 |
| i feel the same way | |
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elisafauzana
Joined: Aug 27, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-09-08 01:44:26 |
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I always blame others for whatever happens to me. Initially i blame my parents, then my brothers and sister. Lately i tried to blame my husband,but then found out that it's just me. For instant, i try to blame my husband for not showing his love for me. He never says those lovey-dovey stuffs like "i love you, i miss you". Make me insanely think that he doesn't love me and i have to end this relationship, when i know he has done a lot for me and cries and begs me not to leave him when i wanted to. I need to reassured all the time. If there is a day without reassurance, i will feel depressed and feel i am worth nothing and nobody loves me, which is not true. |
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carrsox
Joined: Sep 10, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-10 18:19:57 |
| i am a senior in high school. last year i experienced a horrible break up of my 5 year long boyfriend. I cheated on him, he cheated on me ... we hated eachother... and relyed are relationship on sex. he broke up with me... and i lost my mind. i tried killing my 3 times. i felt like i lost all my friends to him... and everyday i screamed inside WHAT HAPPENED WHY DOESNT HE LOVE ME I DONT GET IT!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED?.... that question haunted me until i went from 120lbs to 106. at 5;5. i was a mess. thats when i was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 16. I would love my family one minute... and the next think they werent understanding or talking about me behind my back. i felt like i had nobody and everybody was talking about me and how crazy i was. the medication helped a little.. but the theropy was a blow. i got drunk on top of my anti depressents becuase it increased the liguir... i wanted no reality and to feel good for once. i would do hard drugs and not think twice about setting an example for my two younger siblings. i snorted lines on a daily... popped any pill i found... or crushed it and snorted it. Ive been a chain smoker for a year now... and ive slept with 11 guys in one year... barely. my mom believe i have BPD... and i know i do. never in my life have i ever felt like i was okay... i felt like i was always the depressed girl... always hurt... always something wrong... but i hid it all... behind my pretty face and all my friends and guys. its been 6 years... and in the last year the symptoms have only increased... i want to fix it. i want to be happy... i dont know what happened... i dont know why i couldnt just handle the pain. nobody cuts me slack in my family even when they know im dealing with a mental disorder thats still going untreated do to the fact that no doctors are availible. i need help and fast.. i cant deal with myself anymore. | |
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fantasy
Joined: Jul 28, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-09-10 18:23:22 |
| carrsox: I'm really sorry for you... :( I don't know how to help, all I can do is offer really cliche sounding encouragement. I hope things get better for you, I don't know what else to say. | |
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elisafauzana
Joined: Aug 27, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-09-10 19:02:22 |
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reading your story, i think we resemble in many ways. when my boyfriend then (now my husband) wanted to break up with me, i wouldn't let him go. i was revengeful. by hook or by crook i wanted him back. i re-contacted him using a difren name n fon number via sms.we became close. when he knew it was me, i thought he'll be angry, but instead he accepted me back because he was in love with me. i wanted him back just because i can't accept rejection. it must be i am the one to reject people, not the other way round. i wasn't even sure if i loved him, but i wanted him back. that were the first few bpd symptoms : cannot accept rejection, fear of abandonment, revengeful, uncertainty and act impulsively. from your story, i guess when u say u guys hated each other and cheated each other, rely relationship based on sex, then, probably u guys were not in love with each other in the first place. i guess, things would been a lot easier for you, if u were the one to break up with him and not him. u feel u are rejected. and then u go into impulsive acts like liquor, drug, sex and the list goes on. another sign of bpd is unstable, chaotic intense relationships characterized by splitting. Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad.". u see your family as all good or all bad and the mood swings from loving them one day and hating them the other day. believe me, i have gone through all this. sometimes i will think my husband is good, my family is bad. the other time i will think my family is good and my husband is bad. makes me keep on changing long term life plan. unfortunate for me because my family and my husband oppose each other that i have to decide one, and another bpd symptom i have is indecision. do u have someone who u can really trust to whom u can tell your story that the person could understand u and help u out, carrsox? if u have, my advise is for time being, depend on this person to get your life going. let this person handle and coach u for sometime until u feel ok. try stop doing drugs and liquor and stop having sex with many partners, which will finally only hurt u more. try concertrating on your school things more compared to concentrating on your relationship with guys. try to get yourself busy by engaging yourself into something new and interesting. i know this all kinda difficult to do compared to just give up everything and continously doing drugs and liquor and sex. but these things will only hurt u more and more. if u want happiness, try following the advises above. i am sorry if wasn't any help to u. but i really hope things could work for u. the main thing is to have one person who u can depend on and trust to coach u out of this. i wish u luck, carrsox.. |
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elisafauzana
Joined: Aug 27, '09
Status: Junior User |
2009-09-10 19:32:20 |
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and carrsox, i hope i don't sound conservative or religious..but this helps me when i'm in a mess... count the blessings, carrsox.. u r pretty and u r a senior in high school.. imagine if u were not pretty or u were a drop out...things would have been worse, right?.. good luck, carrsox |
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Maggie11
Joined: Sep 12, '09
Status: New User |
2009-09-12 16:00:52 |
| you say you are still undiagnosed? why? until you get a diagnosis you wont get the help you need. having a cpn you can talk to helps a lot. there are also different therapies available. I know many people dont rate them but they are proving successful in many cases. There are many books on the subject although some of them will tell you you re incurable which is not true! At the very least you can improve and learn to cope better. I recently got diagnosed and am waiting for my theraphy to begin. I have been through a really bad spell but i's coming out of it now and am hopeful that i can cope with tomorrow | |
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Unanswered Thread: my test posted by Mark777 6 hours ago |
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