Me... Sounds familiar ? Bad ?

ArX Joined: Sep 19, '09 Status: New User	2009-09-20 04:21:59
	When I take that Personality Disorder Test many times on different days and times I tend to get slightly slightly different results everytime, but on average I seem to get from: High to Very High on Schizoid, Moderate to High on Antisocial and Avoidant and Low to Moderate on all the rest. On the Depression Test I also seem to get slightly different results every time which seems to be ranging from: High to Very High on Major Depression, High to Extremely High on Dysthymia, Very slight to Slight on Bipolar Disorder, Slight to Moderate on Cyclothymia and Moderate to High on Seasonal Affective Disorder. -- About my self... I am 26 now and all my life (all that I can remember) I have been a loner person with only one or two or friends or none at all. I haven't perceived the lack of friends as a problem as most or all of my hobbies and intrests have always been the loner type anyway. Right now I have no friends at all (unless you count people in internet with whom I interact with, but who don't know the real me at all) and my intrests/hobbies have diminished to just one... "playing" with my computer... I don't like to be in social situations. In part it is because of fear of saying something stupid or behaving strangely (I really don't like to be draw eyes to my self) and in part because I simply find such use of my time pointless, I get nothing out of it and I just end up sitting somewhere alone waiting for good time to leave without upsetting anyone else... And then people often start asking difficult and annoying questions. Am I sad or happy ? In truth I am not sure, I am not sure if I even know what it really feels like to be sad or happy. Maybe I am feeling sad but I just can't connect the word to what I feel. I think the words that best describe what I feel are: empty, bored and tired. Some of my relatives often say I look melancholic though. And how do I feel about the future ? About seven or eight years ago I still had some dreams about the future, things I wanted to do, to become, but for many years now I know thats all they really were. Dreams, illusions and delusions. I have no future to hope for. I have no job and no possibility of getting a job. At least not one that I might feel comfortable doing. I am sitting in a train and I can see I am heading towards a cliff, I can't stop or get off, all I can do is slightly delay the unavoidable by moving backwards in the train.. or close my eyes. But in the end I know I fall. Do I think about death and suicide ? Yes. I haven't tried to kill my self nor am I planning to but I do find my self thinking about death quite often. My thoughts concerning suicide tend to be about the future, what if scenarios, how I would think and feel if something happens that make things even worse. The other way how suicide come to mind is... well this may sound strange but sometimes I have been afraid that while my logic, reason says strict no I might do something to that end on impulse when some "opportunity" present it self... And those feelings are really the worst, those thoughs often make me feel that I am losing control. My eyes get wet real quick and I have hard time keeping my expression neutral. -- So what do you think ? Am I schizoid and that make me seem depressed or am I really depressed which make me seem schizoid or am I both ? or neither ? Am I being overly critical, am I overestimating my problems ?
rabbasso Joined: Sep 20, '09 Status: New User	2009-09-20 06:28:03
	hey buddy I too have the same kind of feeling but you know couldn't get to results what it's all about. And if there's a word assigned to it making it sound like something stupid as a disorder I don't know what to say but i think it's more than something good than being projected as bad. I think you can find many peoples alike y u gonna stick to a word and let urself feel bad. Think of the good think the positive side of it. Right
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