Lawyer Jokes

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
* * *
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
* * *
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
* * *
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
* * *
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
* * *
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
* * *
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together
when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
* * *
Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys’ rifles were too far away to do them any good.
Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other.
"Because I can run faster without them," replied the first.
"I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never outrun a lion!" the second said.
The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don’t have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!"
* * *
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
* * *
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well--only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just
received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
* * *
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
* * *
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
* * *
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
* * *
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
* * *
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
* * *
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
* * *
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.
* * *
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
* * *
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"