The Lyrics:
i beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me
i'm stuck in this dream it's changing me i am becoming
the me that you know had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore
the me that you know doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore
all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all i hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness
that me that you know used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away
i can try to get away but i've strapped myself in
i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears
i can see it killing away all my bad parts
i don't want to listen but it's all too clear
hiding backwards inside of me i feel so unafraid
annie, hold a little tighter i might just slip away
it won't give up it wants me dead
and goddamn this noise inside my head
(Pre 5-12-98)
I don't think "becoming" is a process that really ends anywhere. We all become more and more of ourselves as we get older--it's impossible to stop, and if your life somehow gets turned in a certain unfavorable direction
it seems like there's no way to change it. It's when you've examined
and rejected all the things that used to have meaning for you. You've gone
from having a nostalgic longing for religion to bitter contempt for people
who haven't lost it. You've overthrown God in your own mind and religion
is no longer an option.
Nothing has any meaning. You've lost all feeling for everything.
You're sick of feeling dead all the time and wonder if literal death is
the only option. But you don't think you can do it. Instead of actively
seeking it, you merely invite it.
Nothing happens, nothing ever happens. There's just the same monotony,
the endless days of going through the motions of life. And it scares you
to think you may have more than 80 more years to live.
All I can do is try not to think about it. And I can get through the day,
but there's always that vague dissatisfaction. I'll never be content.
If I'm on this path, my only choice is to continue it to the end. Maybe the
end is better. Maybe if I want absolutely nothing, nothing can hurt me.
And yet I realize the self-deception in that statement. I am caught in a
curious paradox of being hurt by my inability to feel pain.
I don't know if that's how Trent felt when he wrote the song, but that's
how I feel when I hear it.
-anonymous
(6-4-98)
this is gonna sound damned weird, i know. but i relate to this song on a personal level. several years ago i went through a whole bunch of surgeries that left me with metal pins in my legs (which broke a few times inside my body & needed replacing). while the 'becoming' trent writes about is not a literal physical change, i relate to it both on an emotional level & also on a physical one, since my body itself was altered. i think it was just last year that someone looked at my scars & asked "there's metal all underneath that?" &, when i nodded, told me "you're a fucking cyborg! all you need is a little borg thing over your eye & a metal claw."
but it's not just the physical things that changed. trying to get used to your body being held together by metal's not easy. realizing that even the artificial stuff that's supposed to protect you so well can break inside your body's not easy either. the bouncy, happy, determined me i knew made way for the me that had no choice but to look a world full of broken promises & metal straight in the eye & learn how not to flinch. "all pain disappears, it's the nature pof my circuitry," indeed.
there's a way in which i lost touch with all emotions but the pain, sometimes. i think that's what trent *really* means here. that he's numb, that what he used to value is as dead to him as he is inside. that he's become as cold tpo the world as a machine. i did, too -- felt my pain & self pity & very little else. i'm much better now, though.
anyway, i just thought i'd share my perceptions on this one, because it really strikes a chord with me.