Quotations: Humorous
Not all quotations are serious. This page is a large collection of humorous quotes, many of which are still quite thought-provoking despite their comical nature.
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"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."
-Jack Handey
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"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
-Jack Handey
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"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."
-Jack Handey
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"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
-Jack Handey
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"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
-Jack Handey
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"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
-Douglas Adams
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"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein
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"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."
-George Bernard Shaw
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"The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"
-???
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"People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded."
-Yogi Bera
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"I want to die sleeping peacefully, - like my grandma; not screaming with horror, - like those, who were as passangers in her car."
-???
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"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-Winston Churchill
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"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
-Jack Handey
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"The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive."
-Robert Heinlein
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"I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck."
-???
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"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."
-Woody Allen
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"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."
-Fran Lebowitz
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"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
-Art Hoppe
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"There is no clearer manifestation of pure evil than teachers giving assignments over holiday breaks."
-James Halloran
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"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."
-Jack Handey
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"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
-Jack Handey
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"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"
-Jack Handey
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"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."
-Jack Handey
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"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."
-Jack Handey
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"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
-Jack Handey
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"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
-Jack Handey
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"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."
-Jack Handey
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"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle
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"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."
-Ogden Nash
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"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
-Kin Hubbard
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"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
-Poul Anderson
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"Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."
-???
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"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-Hunter S. Thompson
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"In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did."
-???
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"668: The Neighbor of the Beast."
-???
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"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
-Dave Barry
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"If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving."
-Victor O'Reilly
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"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."
-???
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"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."
-The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs)
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"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
-Frank Zappa
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"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."
-???
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"If your eye falls on a bargain, pick it up."
-???
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"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
-Yogi Berra
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"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."
-Henry Louis Mencken
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"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain
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"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
-Mark Twain
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"[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo."
-Dan Quayle during the Bentson debate
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"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. "
-Dan Quayle
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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
-Henry Kissinger
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"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."
-Lily Tomlin
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"I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
-Groucho Marx
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"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."
-???
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"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
-Redd Foxx
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"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."
-Samuel Butler
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"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
-Woody Allen
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"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."
-Paul Valery
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"It is my misfortune - and probably my delight - to use things as my passions tell me. What a miserable fate for a painter who adores blondes to have to stop himself putting them into a picture because they don't go with the basket of fruit! ... I put all the things I like into my pictures. The things - so much the worse for them. They just have to put up with it."
-Pablo Picasso
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"'Evil men have no songs.' How is it that the Russians have songs?"
-Friedrich Nietzsche
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"I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."
-Ferris Bueller
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"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, 'I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.' Disraeli replied, 'That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.'"
-???
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"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball."
-Doug Larson
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"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
-Yogi Bera
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"It's like deja-vu, all over again."
-Yogi Bera
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"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
-Yogi Bera
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"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."
-Yogi Berra
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"Before I start speaking, I'd like to say something."
-Yogi Bera (?)
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"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
-Yogi Berra
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"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
-Mark Twain
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"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-Dan Quayle
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"Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself."
-Dan Quayle
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"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle
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"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."
-Mae West
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"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them."
-Casey Stengel
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"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney
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"You can observe a lot by watching."
-Yogi Bera
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"We made too many wrong mistakes."
-Yogi Bera
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"We have deep depth."
-Yogi Bera
77 quotes in this category
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